Giving up the driver’s seat

Dementia Diaries

Photo by Valerie Levay on Unsplash

It was the day after a major snow storm and the snow had been shoveled into piles in the parking lot of the supermarket. With very little room to manœuvre the car into the empty spot, I waited patiently for the vehicle to pull out before I tried to park into the spot that was being emptied. Just as I was about to pull into the spot I saw another car entering the lane coming at me head on. Before I had time to think, the car came at me hard despite my gut reaction to honk. The horn probably startled the driver but it was too late. The car slammed right into the front of my SUV with the front bumper snuggling into mine. Shocked and shaken I quickly realized the driver was a very old lady. Since I knew I was stationary, it was obvious the old lady was at fault. What happened was that she mistakenly slammed on the accelerator instead of the brakes and lost control of her car. Thankfully no one got hurt and the incident was sorted out. However, the stress I saw on her son’s face when he showed up at the scene minutes after the accident was enough to remind me of the stresses caretakers face when dealing with their elderly.

Age changes things. Sometimes it forces you to give up certain things like driving. Giving up control is so hard. It’s like losing autonomy. Most healthy elderly people don’t give up things easily. They put up a good fight. Honestly, rightfully so. The longer our elderly stay independent and self sufficient the happier and healthier they will feel. The day they stop doing things is the day that age-related degeneration starts. Having said that, driving can be dangerous. Not just for the elderly but also for the people that they may potentially put at risk.

Conditions such as Alzheimer’s and dementia put the caretakers of the elderly in a very difficult position. First, the caretakers have to battle the resistance that comes from giving up driving. Secondly, they have to battle the fact that the patient forgets that their abilities are now compromised. Finally they have to battle the denial of resistance and the caretakers have to become the “bad guys” and forcefully enforce the “new rules”.

My grandfather was told he had ten good years after his bypass surgery and after which the first thing that will get affected is his memory. Thankfully he was sane of mind and had ten years to remind himself of the possibility of memory loss. So when it started happening he realized what was going on. Then one day he took the car and went out for errands. On his way home he got lost in his own neighborhood. He couldn’t remember how to get home. He drove around in circles and somehow no turn and no lane was familiar to him until finally he did make the right turn and the brain sent the right signals and he came home. Once again, thankfully, his memory loss was not so bad that he could not admit that there was a problem. It made the decision to keep a driver easier for my dad as my grandfather was willing to cooperate and give up on driving.

It isn’t always so easy. Sometimes the resistance is for giving up the independence and other times the resistance is on tolerating assistance. Getting used to a stranger driving your car. Especially if your elderly loves driving and loves their own car! If resistance is high, caretakers have to use the memory loss to their advantage. Hide the car keys and then pretend they have no idea where the keys are. Maybe accompany your elderly for all their errands with the new driver driving you both around. After some time the new driver and the concept of being driven around will become familiar. If your elderly live on their own you might need to take more drastic measures like disabling their car or even removing the car from their home with an excuse that it’s gone for repairs.

Time makes the changes become familiar parts of their routine. Be patient and talk about the changes so you plant the idea of giving up driving before it actually happens. Becoming more stubborn and irrational is also a part of aging. Handle your elderly in ways that will not lead to angry confrontations and more resistance. Some smart tactics will lead to your elderly giving up the driver’s seat.