Deciding what to wear

Dementia Diaries

Photo by Lumin on Unsplash

Remember when the kids were young enough that whatever clothes you laid out got worn without argument? Then, faster than you know it, they grew into that stage where they insisted on choosing what they wore. Having control and being able to decide independently suddenly felt so powerful. Of course what they chose never satisfied Mom most of the time. What followed was a back and forth of words, sometimes tantrums and an extensively long dressing time. Either they stood there with the closet doors open, staring at their clothes as if the decision they made over the outfit would seal a million dollar deal or they tried multiple outfits on, flinging excess clothes all over the place until they were fully satisfied with what they were wearing. As Mom, you either chose to enforce your authority or you sat back and enjoyed this phase, watching your little one’s personality grow. The struggle was mainly about training the child to understand what is appropriate wear.

Societal norms have helped us create a system of order in our lives. Most of these norms aren’t meant to make life hard but rather they are meant to create discipline and train us to behave in manners where consideration for others is, to a certain extent, paramount. One of the fundamental values that we now maintain is dressing appropriately. What is appropriate? As far as style is concerned, that is truly a matter of opinion, however, dressing in clean clothes is appropriate. Wearing the same clothes for days on end is not appropriate. Especially if those clothes become soiled and smelly.

Kids often don’t think clothes are dirty. They are perfectly fine wearing the same clothes repeatedly, much to Mom’s distress. That’s usually because those clothes are either comfortable or favorites. Sometimes they just don’t want to put the energy into making the decision of choosing an outfit. If your kids happen to be college age then they are probably in the habit of extending laundry day until absolutely necessary therefore repeating clothes becomes a habit.

Weather plays an important role in the judgement of whether to change clothes. Cooler temperatures make it okay to repeat clothes whereas warmer temperatures push our sweat glands in overdrive therefore our laundry baskets are automatically filled with sweaty, smelly clothes.

If you have noticed the subtitle of this blog you are probably wondering what all this laundry talk has to do with dementia. Dementia sadly destroys those senses that enable us to notice that clothes aren’t fresh or that they smell bad. To the dementia mind, clothes are almost always clean and tend to look fine. As caregivers, our biggest responsibility is ensuring the dementia patient’s hygiene is maintained. When the daily shower becomes a challenge then the least we can do is make sure the patient is in a clean pair of clothes.

While our checklist of things that maintain order is long, understanding what’s happening in the dementia mind (DM) helps to make ticking off the checklist easier. So, firstly the DM loses sense of time therefore doesn’t realize how long it’s been since the last change of clothes. Secondly, the DM honestly doesn’t remember and doesn’t understand that when you take clothes off they are dirty. They are not meant to be hung up and worn again. Like all of us, the DM too, likes to have control over the decisions made, therefore, insisting it knows what it’s doing. Comfort and familiarity is always favored so if the closet has any clothing that isn’t familiar chances are the DM will never chose it. As dementia progresses, everyday tasks become harder. The steps we undertake to dress become tedious. It’s overwhelming and exhausting and therefore the shortcut is to not think and just simply wear what is out and get the dressing process over with.

So now caretakers need to have a system to work by. Caretakers also need to pick their battles. The truth is that as humans we are used to changing our clothes every day and then changing into pajamas at bedtime. This however, is not critical to hygiene and clean health. If the clothes aren’t dirty it’s not worth making an issue about changing. If the DM isn’t leaving the house then letting them remain in comfortable clothes is okay. Timing is everything so caretakers need to be efficient when it comes to removing already worn clothes and lying out fresh clothes before the DM gets to it. Avoiding a confrontation is the best way to maintain order. Using logic is the worst idea. A mind that’s not functioning well to begin with cannot be reasoned to understand that clothes are dirty. So why not remove the dirty clothes while the DM is sleeping or in the bathroom? Choosing and laying out clothes that can be easily worn without thinking makes the process easy and non confrontational. So streamline the closet so there are fewer options. Remove seasonal clothing and basically keep it simple.

Whether it’s your child or your dementia patient, you need to gain a better perspective on the situation. What’s really bothering you about the process of deciding what to wear? Is it the pressure of conforming to certain societal norms that we have all become used to? Does it really matter? If it doesn’t, cut them some slack and when it does then make the dressing process easy enough that everyone is happy. If you are good at it, you just may be able to sneak around and set it up so that what you want gets worn without them knowing!