Today’s contemplation may come across a bit philosophical. I heard something today which made me reflect on the journey of caregiving that I have been on for the last thirteen or so years. Learning to care for someone is an art. It’s also a skill that comes from experience. It comes from trial and error. It comes from deeply understanding the person and the challenges they are faced with. It requires intrusion into someone’s most private and intimate space. It expects patience and conviction. Patience to face rejection and conviction to continue caring despite the odds. Caregiving’s most defining element is that it requires complete commitment. There is no room for cutting corners. There are no shortcuts and there is no such thing as “it’s acceptable” or “let it go.” Caregiving has to be done right or else it’s a waste of your time and effort.
When I started the journey of caregiving I was second in command, so to say. There was a primary caregiver and I came next in hierarchy. Secondary means there was less pressure on me to get it right. There were more opportunities for me to step back or even walk away. There was always someone there to give their hundred percent so I had more room to make mistakes and not bear the brunt of my mistakes. It also meant I was relaxed in my commitment to caregiving. I didn’t know it at the time because I had the freedom to walk away. When I was relaxed I wasn’t fully committed. I read up on ways to give care and tried to understand the psyche of patients but as I was not completely responsible I failed in applying what I was learning.
Today things are different. I have become the primary caregiver. When the patient is a family member, the entire household is inevitably a caregiver of some sorts and is partaking in the journey of learning and understanding. What wasn’t visible to me, was to someone else. We pointed out to each other what we observed and passed judgement on the manner in which we handled things. The intention was never to criticize our efforts but simply to help figure out how to get it right.
How to get it right?
That’s the golden question. The underlying truth to successful caregiving. It may take a lifetime to figure it out. The journey is not faced alone though. Caregiving is between you (the caregiver) and the patient. The patient is learning to understand their own challenges and your support/interference in the process. You are trying to understand the challenges and the patient simultaneously. The process becomes an intimate one and if you figure it out then you win.
Success in caregiving comes when you develop an intimate level of trust. The kind of trust that results in a calm peaceful approach to every challenge. When the patient finally entrusts you with their care, there is an unsaid deep connection. Caregiving isn’t about beating the odds or solving the problems. Caregiving is about a complete unwavering commitment to the person - without cutting corners or rushing. It’s about being there 24/7.
Nobody said it’s easy. Too often nobody asks if you even want to commit to caregiving. It just happens. It comes to you because it was meant to come to you. Often caregiving doesn’t have to be particularly for a patient. Care can be given to anyone. A perfectly healthy elderly parent, a child, a friend, a pet, etc. The list can go on.
For the past several years now I have noticed that my garden is a haven for stray cats that use it to create a safe place for their kittens. However over the years I have never been bothered by these cats. As in, they have never expected anything from me. They stay until they need to and finally they leave when they are ready to. For a person like me, who isn’t into pets, not because I don’t have a heart but because I just don’t have the patience, time and energy to deal with a pet, it helped to know these cats had no expectations from me. When I say I lack the energy to deal with a pet I mean that I understand that pets require attention, love, and care and that is work. Just like it’s work to be a caregiver. My energy is already sapped in that department. Not physical energy but mental. Caregiving, and that too one hundred percent commitment, takes up a lot of mental space. One has to be on top of things 24/7 in order to notice what’s going on and what’s changing - specially when it’s a patient that is being cared for. If that patient depends on you emotionally and mentally more than physically then there is no room for you to cut corners.
So back to the stray kitten situation. For the first time this kitten is disturbing the peace, so to say. I suspect it has been abandoned by the mother. We have tried to care for it and provide it with what it could need. I say we because I do the research and others manage the physical work. However, care requires one hundred percent commitment right? Despite providing it with the necessary, it still remains unsettled. What it needs is its mother. That care cannot be given, at least not by me. Nor by my household. That’s why this isn’t working. I cannot be forced into adopting this kitten. It just won’t work because my commitment to it won’t be there. So no matter what we have done for this kitten, we fall short. We are “cutting corners” so to say. Our hope was to give it the amount of care needed to get it strong enough to go on its way. At least that was the intention. This kitten wants more though. It wants hundred percent.
I will figure out how to deal with the kitten. It will not be what the kitten wants. It will be the best that I can do for it and will leave the rest to this kitten’s fate. This entire experience has made me more aware about the expectations people have from caregivers. It’s made me think more about being successful as a caregiver. It’s given me flashbacks to the times I have failed and has shed light onto why I failed. Sometimes you just cannot see clearly because you are preoccupied with other thoughts or you are tired. It’s in those times that you have probably cut corners and not given your complete 💯❗️
What color is this kitten? 😊 Just curious......